life right now is well and truly confusing.I have several major problems with family, friends -friends, and 'friends', which precipitated, among other things, my gallery dying. The work was crap anyway.
I have officially decided, partially due to recent upheaval, to stop being anything but myself and one other person: the one that relates well to adults, and looks good staring out of a college app./interview.
This means, among other things, no more pretending to like people I really don't, no more childish he-said--she-said games, and never again limiting my vocabulary to fit within the constraints of narrow-minded and ignorant assholes who believe any word involving more than four syllables should be stricken from the dictionary. Never again will I allow myself to be held prisoner by the perceptions people have of who I should be, never again will someone else's theological code cause me to doubt my code of beliefs and honor, and never again will other's influence cause me to act against that code. Realism requires me to say that this is all impossible, and as school starts in less than a week, in under two I will have abandoned all reason in favor of utter emotional bedlam. So, I make this pledge to myself: I live for beauty. not mere physical affluence, which science has proved a genetic lottery with the jackpot labeled symmetry, but for that bone-deep ache that tells you something is profoundly right and beautiful. That feeling that exists when you feel a deep and honest connection between your soul's emotions ( which are actually quite different than the surface emotions dictated daily by extraneous circumstances)and something outside of you.


and so, I disobey the tenant of officers everywhere: never give an order you know will not be obeyed.
In promising these things, though, perhaps I will gain some measurable improvement to make it worth my while, no?